Asexuality, Asexuals, and Sex

Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction. But despite what many people might think, that doesn’t mean asexuals don’t have sex, nor does it mean our thoughts are entirely pure.

Do asexuals have sex?

Asexuals can, and do, have sex. Many of us even enjoy the experience, Remember that asexuality simply means a lack of sexual attraction; it’s nothing to do with sex drive or libido.

Obviously there’s a spectrum at play here. Some asexuals are sex-avoidant, sex-repulsed, and may have never had it nor had any desire to. Other asexuals are incredibly sexual and enjoy the feeling of pleasing a partner, friend, or sex buddy – especially as, if that person is allosexual, the best way of pleasing them may well be through sexual activity. That doesn’t make the asexual any less … asexual; it’s perfectly normal to engage in sexual activity with people you’re not horny for. It might be more difficult or require more work, but if you take, for example, the situation of a ‘loving’ intimate relationship between two people, it’s highly likely they’ll have had deep and intense discussions beforehand about what each other needs in that relationship.

One of the insults oft thrown at asexuals is that we’d feel different if we had (good) sex. I’m not convinced anyone has ‘good sex’ that often, and we’re just programmed to believe that sex ‘should’ be good so we lie to ourselves even if we feel awful (and sore) afterwards. That doesn’t mean we don’t want to do it, just that we have to have a very good reason to. And, for me personally, even with the one person I can say I loved above all others, it … wasn’t.

And remember that everyone can have sex (or not have sex) for any number of reasons that don’t have to be related to sexual attraction. It might feel like the right thing to do at the time. It might be that a friend asked you to, as an experiment. Or you want to make a friend happy, Or even you just want to experiment with something, just to see how it feels.

For my part, at the time of writing, I haven’t had ‘sex’ since December 2015, though my last experience of sexual-based activity was a little more recent. I will say I tend not to get easily aroused, nor do I personally ever feel the desire to have sex. I do like the feeling of hugging, of holding hands, but I’m comfortable doing this with friends where we both know it won’t ever go any further.

What’s the difference between asexuality and celibacy?

Two monks in saffron robes stand by a door while a third opens it. The door is a solid metal one inside a temple, and surrounded by ornate decoration, paintings, and flags.
Monks in Kandy, Sri Lanka. The nearest image I could find in my collection to depicting ‘celibacy’.

There’s a huge difference between asexuality and celibacy. Celibacy is the ‘choice’ of refraining from sex, regardless of sexual attraction. Asexuality means having little or no sexual attraction in the first place. It’s often confused in the mainstream, but I saw a meme that described all manner of sexualities in the form of cake. Asexuals wouldn’t go ‘oh I must have that’ if they see cake, but might take some just because it’s there, because cake can be nice at times. People who are celibate are on diets; they may really desire it but actively choose not to take any.

Do asexuals like sex

There is no reason why asexuals would, or would not, like sex; it very much depends on the asexual; remember asexuality is about attraction not desire, and while for many people that’s the same thing, it doesn’t have to be.

Myself, I’m not fond of the act of sex – traditional sex anyway. I’ve no desire to marinate the nether rod in the squish mitten, as they say. Even the thought of it fills me with a weird sense of dread and distaste. That said, there are sexual acts I will do – exclusively these are ones that involve other people’s genitals and not my own, and I don’t see them as sexual for me, because they don’t arouse me and I don’t do them with that aim. It may be because I’m submissive, or at least a people-pleaser.

It may also be because I have a penis. Because I don’t experience sexual attraction, it’s (relatively) difficult to be aroused enough to have a penis that’s ‘useful’ in a sexual context. This makes the act itself to be, at least for me, a fraud and stressful mess where I’m constantly worried that the other person isn’t going to enjoy it, which doesn’t help the erection. At least if I’m going down on someone, that’s not a problem. An interesting question this raises is: would I enjoy it more if I had female plumbing. This post is not going to answer that.

Someone is wearing a black t-shirt with the word 'proud' in rainbow letters on it. They are sat with quite a straight back. Under their t-shirt are what appear to be breasts, although the person in question otherwise presents as a man.
We will not be talking about this. Yet.

Conversely though, I’m very sex-positive. I love talking about sex, I like sexual-themed comedy (I’m British; we had an entire film industry dedicated to the innuendo), and I’ve even written erotic literature at times, although most of it has a kink-focus rather than a sex-focus. I also am a strong believer in sexual openness, that people should talk about sex more, that it shouldn’t be a taboo subject hidden behind walls of metaphor, only to be discussed at 11pm on Channel 4. This includes all sexualities and genders as well as their lacking (fun fact – the last person I kissed was an agender lesbian – we were so not each other’s target market!). But the act itself, the physical and emotional concept, is one I find really hard to even think about, never mind actually do. Sex-positive, but quite personally sex-averse.

Do asexuals watch porn?

Asexuals do watch porn. This specific asexual doesn’t. Or at least, I don’t watch porn movies. They don’t interest me. That might be more to do with my ADHD and not being able to focus on them though. I’m sure I’ve mentioned it before, but one evening me and a then-girlfriend sat down to watch a porn move over food and ended up mostly degrading their sofa.

I’ve never bought any porn either, tho was occasionally tempted to sign up to a couple of tickling fetish sites. If that counts. What even is porn, anyway?

Honestly, I’ve never found porn images to be that appealing either. The vast majority of pictures seem to be of women posing with huge breasts or large vaginas on show, or men parading an erect penis or a naked chest. It’s all a bit … boring, really? Like, nothing happens. It’s just an image of something I’m not attracted by, doing nothing but just ‘be there’. And in those pics (and, it must be said, vidclips) where action is depicted, if it’s vaginal penetration, it’s just … not for me. I don’t find it interesting, nor aesthetically appealing.

Close-up of a pair of bound bare feet, with rope weaving between the toes. The rope is vibrant purple, and the picture is taken on a bed.
One for the foot fetishists. Many people connect kink and sex so it counts!

There are images I do find interesting, and will ‘love’ on Fetlife for instance, but they’re either ones relating to kink (and even there I have narrow tastes) or blowjobs. And this is where we get into a whole issue regarding sexual and gender identity. I’m submissive, and a people-pleaser, so when I see pics of blowjobs I always imagine I’m the one sucking, But as I don’t find men aesthetically or sexually attractive, pics of men giving blowjobs to men don’t appeal to me, even though I occupy a male body and this should be great for representation. But the way I see the different traditional roles of male subs and female subs, and my place in that, is probably a topic for a future post.

Do asexuals masturbate?

Yes, some asexuals masturbate, Being asexual doesn’t prevent you playing with yourself. Remember, sexual attraction has nothing to do with either libido or with the very fact that if you touch yourself in certain place you’re going to feel certain things, You don’t need to be sexually attracted to someone, or something, in order to get aroused.

I can only tell you what I do, and this isn’t a subject I tend to talk about with other people, let alone other asexuals. And I’ll be honest, y’all don’t need to know my personal habits, Let’s just say two things. Firstly, most of my masturbatory habits are a function of my ADHD, not my asexuality. In that ’I need to be doing something with my hands. Oh, this’ll do’. Yes I rarely get erections when I play with myself. That’s not why I do it. But I am an outlier, as you well know by now.

Secondly, what gets me most aroused is my own imagination. And I think this is the more important factor, especially given my views on porn etc, I can’t speak for all asexuals of course, but for me, I don’t generally get aroused by pictures, by video, or by action. I do get more aroused by the written word (I’ve never tried erotic audiobooks, but if anyone wants to hire me to voice-record theirs, I am available at competitive rates!), but the only thing that really gets my dick up, as it were, is my own imagination. This causes issues when I’m in a setting with other people and the question ‘what turns you on’ is asked. It’s really awkward to say ‘my own imagination’, because then that opens a discussion about ‘well how can I help you with that?’. You can’t, okay, that’s something that’s entirely internal that I have very little control over, never mind you, so, you know, let me just suck you, it’ll be easier.

Someone is sat on a leather couch in a living room. They are topless, and their chest is pretty much shaved. They are wearing glasses, and have a somewhat grumpy look.
My naked chest. Because it’s as near as I get to that sort of picture. Be aware this is a ‘soft limit’ and I really don’t like being topless.

I have a fabulous imagination, and as I say, I write erotic stories. Or would if I could focus on them long enough without being distracted by my own mind travelling at 764832 mph and before you know it, I’ve come, and then I don’t feel like writing erotica again for several … months, Mmm ADHD.

As to what I imagine, well that just goes to my fetishes and my kinks, I never fantasise about sex though. Apart from oral sex, obviously, which happens a lot. Almost exclusively, in fact.


Asexuality is unrelated to libido or desire, and therefore asexuals can, and do, happily have sex. Sex itself is marketed behind so much social and cultural angst that makes it hard to separate out the activity from the symbolism, but being asexual can cut through that. As asexuals, we are not celibates, we are not prudes, we are just people who don’t have sexual attraction. If we have sex, it’s because we want to, and we want to with you, because we feel that strong bond with you, so the best thing you can do is join us and enjoy it. And being asexual doesn’t mean we don’t get aroused, or we don’t have sexual fantasies, or we can’t enjoy sex. Some of us don’t, is true, But some allosexuals don’t like sex either, so that’s not even a valid stereotype.

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